Anguish
by Olivia26
Summary: “He got to you too, Olivia. He had you believing everything he said about me in that room. You’re not supposed to take a baby raper’s word over mine!”


TITLE: Anguish

AUTHOR: Kristen

RATING: PG-13...Just for one or two minor language incidents

FEEDBACK: Please?

CLASSIFICATION: Olivia/Elliot friendship UST

SPOILERS: "Rage" S6

DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: If anyone is so inclined to post this anywhere, let me know about it first...I promise you'll get the green light...and I'll be flattered

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This was written in response to a challenge posted on one of the SVU mailing lists. I don't usually do these things, but I was inspired, what can I say?

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters on SVU, I'm only playing with them for the time being and will return them in one piece...I promise.

She makes it halfway through the parking garage and turns around. She knows that she can't leave him like this. Not after what he'd just been through. She knows that going home to an empty house is not what will help him cope. By the time she makes it back to the squad room, he's gone. Feeling slightly unnerved by his absence, she glances around the room, with the hope of finding a clue.

"Locker room," Fin says without looking up from his desk. She gives him an appreciative half smile and continues the search for her partner. Moments later, she finds him, head in hands, shoulders slouched in defeat.

"What are you doing back? I thought you went home already," he questions, voice dripping with anguish. She sits down on the bench behind him, her thigh barely touching him.

"Well, I got halfway to my car realized I'd left something behind and decided to come back and get it," she explains.

"What was so important that you couldn't get it in the morning, Liv? Your make-up case?" He asks sarcastically.

"No Elliot, I left without you. I'm not going to leave you here with Rickett's voice swimming around in your head," she says. "And yeah, I would have come back for the make-up case too. You don't want to see me au natural."

He finally turns to look at her. "I don't need your pity party, Olivia. I've invited enough guests on my own."

"I must have done something terrible to get crossed off the list then. I'm usually pretty close to the top."

He clenches his fists before responding and she notices the torn flesh and blood trickling across his skin.

"He got to you too, Olivia. He had you believing everything he said about me in that room. You're not supposed to take a baby raper's word over mine!"

"If that's what you think happened, Elliot, I don't know why the hell I came back here. You know that I was just playing his game, trying to get him to crack. Just. Like. You."

"You were certainly convincing about it then! Hell, someone give this woman an Oscar for tonight's performance!"

"Elliot, you're being a complete asshole right now. I've had your back for the last seven years, without fail. If this guy can get you to question my loyalty to you as a partner, I don't know what the hell I'm even doing here. If all we've been through in the past seven years isn't enough to convince you, then maybe you should start looking for someone to do it better!" Her voice cracks at the end of her speech. He was hurting her to make himself feel better, something he'd done before, but never with this much fervor.

He turns and faces her, straddling the bench they're sitting on. He sees her eyes watering, tears threatening to fall at any moment. He's got to make this better. He can't stand the thought of losing her too, especially tonight.

"You're right, I am being an asshole. You don't deserve it either, Liv. I—-" Before he finishes his apology, he pulls her to him, holding onto her as if she were his lifeline, taking fistfuls of her shirt in his hand in a vain attempt to get closer to her.

At first, she's not sure how to respond, but instinctively wraps her arms around his shoulders, sensing somehow, that this is what he needs. He burrows his face between her breasts, then turns and rests his cheek on top. Oddly enough, he never sheds a tear. Never once looses control of his emotions. They're not sure how long they've been that way when the door is opened.

"Whoa, sorry to interrupt. I'll come back later," Munch says and hurriedly exits the room.

The strange thing is, neither one of them moves despite the intrusion. Olivia bends down and kisses Elliot on the cheek. "Let's get out of here before Dad comes in next." He nods and slowly extracts himself from her embrace.

He goes back to his locker, deliberately avoiding the small mirror hanging there and gets his coat. He stops for a moment, staring at the dried blood on the edges of metal. She steps up behind him and realizes what he's been staring at. "We'll clean it up tomorrow. Let's get you home and those hands bandaged up. Come on."

He nods and closes the locker, then puts on his coat. "I'm ready," he says, voice barely above a whisper.

She smiles softly and gestures for him to go first. Once they're out of the locker room, she puts her hand on the small of his back and guides him to her car.

They get in the car and she doesn't even bother to ask where he'd be more comfortable; she knows he doesn't want to go home to an empty house. With or without her there, it will always seem empty to him. The drive to her apartment is quick and uneventful. She parallel parks with ease, then ushers him upstairs to her sanctuary.

It's cool and quiet inside as she takes their jackets and indicates he should sit on the couch. "I'll go get something to clean you up," she says and disappears down the small hallway.

Just a few minutes later, she returns to a warm glow in the room and realizes that he's turned on the electric fireplace in front of the couch. "You read my mind, Stabler. I was going to turn it on when I came back."

He smiles genuinely—the first she's seen in quite some time and is happy that she was the one to bring it to his face. Once he notices the medical supplies in her hand, his smile quickly fades. She sits on the coffee table across from him and lays out her supplies within arm's reach.

"Let me see," she says sternly.

Sheepishly, he puts his hands out in front of him for her to examine. "Jesus," she says as she assesses the damage.

In an attempt to lighten the mood, she asks, "Who won?"

He chuckles and shakes his head. "The locker. But it was a good fight. You missed some good entertainment."

He sobers suddenly when he realizes she's holding a cotton ball to a bottle of peroxide. "At the risk of sounding like a child, is that going to hurt?"

"Not anymore than ripping up your knuckles the first time did," she replies flatly.

"Touché."

He hisses as the cold, wet cotton ball gently moves over his skin. After cleansing the wounds, she applies Neosporin and wraps his raw hands in gauze. The whole process only takes a few minutes to complete. He examines her handiwork and is pleased with the job she's done.

"Not bad for a rookie," he says.

"Rookie? I'm a rookie now? You seem to forget that even though I don't have any kids of my own, I learned a thing or two from taking care of myself back in the day," she replies with a laugh.

Suddenly, his mood turns somber, eyes darkening slightly. "Olivia," he starts, taking her hand in his, "I'm sorry about the bullshit I pulled earlier. It wasn't right for me to come down on you like that. You were just doing your job."

She moves from her perch on the coffee table and sits next to him on the couch, gingerly taking one of his wounded hands in hers. "I know you didn't mean it, Elliot, but you can't keep using me as your human punching bag. I know you've got all kinds of shit going on at home and it's messing with your head. It would mess with anyone's head. But I can't keep taking everything you're dishing out and pretending that it's not doing anything to me. Every time you lash out at me, you're driving a wedge in the relationship we've being building since the day we met. We're supposed to be getting closer, yet you're doing your damndest to drive us apart and I can't for the life of me, figure out _why_."

For a few moments, no words pass between them and the only sound preventing an eerie silence is the synthetic crackling from the fireplace. He stares off into space, lost in his own world, mind reeling a mile a minute. She says nothing else; she's made her peace with him now and is awaiting his response.

"I owe you so much more than any words I could manage to choke out, Liv. The sanctimonious crap I've been producing for the last few months is really intolerable; I'm honestly not sure why I haven't driven you away already. You've got to believe me when I tell you that I haven't been ragging on you intentionally and I know what a cop out answer that is, but it's the truth. I've been so fucked up in the head since Kathy left and I just can't make it right," he explains.

He gets up off the couch and paces around the room before continuing. "God help me, Olivia, but honestly, it really doesn't bother me that she's gone. Yes, I miss having someone waiting for me to come home and night, but it doesn't matter to me if it were her or not. I know that sounds awful, but it's the God's honest truth. The thing that I can't live without, is my kids. I need them with me, especially after we land a case like this one. I used to be able to go home at night and at least be sure that my kids were safe with me and now, even that is gone. Every time we go to a scene, I'm wondering if I'm going to look down and see one of my kid's faces staring back at me."

"Elliot, everyone knows you're doing the best you can. Maybe you should take some time and just be with your kids. Maybe that's what would be best for you right now. I know it's only a temporary solution, but at the very least, it will help," she says as she looks up at him from her spot on the couch.

He plops down on the couch and turns to his head to look at her. "It wouldn't make enough of a difference, Liv, but thanks for trying."

"At this point, El, you've got to do something to make it better. Talk to Kathy, take time off, find a hobby, whatever. Just figure it out because if you don't, you'll wind up being left with nothing. And before you say it, it's not a treat, it's the truth. You've got to let go of some of the rage you've got in there before it swallows you whole. I refuse to lose my partner that way."

He nods slowly, agreeing with what she's said. She notices the tears have slowly begun sliding down his cheeks and pulls in his shoulder. He gets the message and wraps his arms around her. She rocks him slowly for a while, stroking his hair and neck in the process.

"You can work through this, Elliot. We can even do it together if you want, but it's gotta be done. If you want me to, I'll be here every step of the way, all you've gotta do is say the word."

"I know. Thanks Liv."

She doesn't respond, but doesn't remove her arms from around him either. Shortly after, he hears her breathing level out and assumes she's fallen asleep. Before allows himself to follow her into his own slumber, he makes his final confession of the night:

"I froze. I know you know that and I love you for not calling me out on it."

Although she is nearly asleep, she hears his admission and her mouth curves up into a slight smile. Pleased with herself for making the right call as far as her partner is concerned, she finally allows herself to overtaken by the sleep that envelops her.


End file.
